This is how a normal conversation with an average person always turns out:
O = Other Party M = Me
O: Hey are you Christian? M: Why do you ask? O: Your name sounds Christian. M: Yeah sure. . . sort of. O: Oh cool, Catholic or Protestant? M: (Why can't they ever ask me about my favourite cereal brand?!)
Let's clear this up once and for all. I hate God. Utterly, absolutely, definitely, certainly, confidently, totally, etc. Fill in the vocabulary yourselves, English nerds.
I'm surprised by how people can actually go to church every weekend and sit in a vessel made from their money (and some other money) and believe in something that doesn't exist. This, is the greatest proof of a unique trait which only humans possess in this world - COLLECTIVE STUPIDITY.
Yeah sure there are the fanatics who will say "God is always with you, and will always be there when you need him" or "God will provide". What surprises me the most, is how tears can actually well up in their eyes as they say this. Ridiculous. Let me correct the 2 statements above:
1. God has never been with me, unless you count my imaginary friend as God. 2. The only thing God has ever provided for me, is disappointment.
Let's try something fun:
Dear God, If you are on the internet and reading this blog, CONGRATULATIONS! You just lost a fan! Or as we always tell managers at retail outlets, "You just lost a valuable customer!". You've never been there when I needed you, you never will be there when I need you, and ironically, I don't even need you. Never did, never will. P.S.: Even the worst supplicator on the face of the Earth can provide better than you. Yours insincerely, Zeke
For the past 3 days I've been praying for it to not rain. I've offered every bargain I could offer to the bearded freak upstairs, and he seems to enjoy giving people false hope. Well I've got news for you douche - I'M BURNING MY BIBLE. AND I'M GOING TO JEWISM.
